Days #5-9

Well, these couple of days have been pretty good. There were definite stressors, but progress is being made!

Yes, my kids whined. Quite often. Yes, I have been exhausted. Yes, I have needed to get them to follow exactly what I said because that is often what is NEEDED for kids. They NEED respect authority. I often feel as though I live in two worlds. The one world impacts my behavior in the other, the second world drives my decisions in the first,

One, is my itty bitty nuclear family--My 6 year old, who is starting to get the hang of navigating his time away from us in this big world, my 5 year old, who us just getting her feet wet in preschool and often needs time to figure out life as it is quickly changing, my 3 year old who desperately wants to be as grown and the older two, but still desires the attention of the littlest one, my baby 11 month old, who is learning that mommy and daddy mean no when we say no. That little world is where I feel the desperate need to show that authority means authority. I am of the opinion that I need to make sure my children know right from wrong far before they go out into the world, yes, even the big world of preschool.

My other word is much larger in comparison. It has been going on for the last dozen years and one could argue that it has been going on for much longer than that, perhaps even going on about 20 years. I have had probably thousands of kids in that world. It is my professional world. I have had hundreds of 5th graders over the last 4 years, in the 5 years before that I had hundreds of kids at my after school program while also serving hundreds of survivors of domestic violence, both women and children. Before that, I spent 3 years teaching ESL to hundreds of the most amazing children I have ever met.  Prior to that...student teaching, pre-teaching opportunities, tutoring, coaching, swim lesson kids, babysitting kids, and even my own younger sister. There are thousands of people who I have had the opportunity to look at, up close and personally. I have been able to see how well they are able to interact with the world around themselves. 

Those worlds often collide in my own head. I see the results of a person who has been parented well, and I see the results of less than acceptable parenting. Obviously, this simplifies it too much, but it is how the worlds often collide in my head. I have seen those second world kids struggle, a lot! I don't want my own kids to struggle in the same way. I feel this very intense need to ensure that my little nuclear family is prepared for the world. I mess up, a lot. I often get so frustrated that my second world kids can't do basic things that my tiny kids at home can do with no problem. The TRUTH is that those two worlds only collide in my head. 

In a nutshell, here is what I have learned. I often lie to myself without even realizing it. I tell my own kids to own the whole truth, and I need to do the same. Life is not that simple, though. I just need to remind myself that yelling is not the best way to ensure that my children respect authority. Ultimately, I need to intertwine it into their lives, with grace, love, and care. I will continue to pray for this growth,

Striving for GRACE Days 10-11

So, today is a 2 for 1 deal. The last two days have been pretty busy!! I can report that they have been pretty great days! It isn't like we have had a lack of frustrating situations...we have had lots of whines and bad attitudes, but we have gotten through them! In fact, we really had to draw some tough lines yesterday as it was an essential lesson in authority. I even had to miss 3 things I was invited to, which normally would have completely stressed me out. I am realigning my priorities and it is crating beautiful consequences. 

I feel like God is showing me that it is ok to take a minute before reacting. It is helping me to filter a lot more of my thoughts before they pop right out. I know that sounds simple, but for me...it is not simple. 

Background:

I am a fast paced person who hates wasting time. Even a 2 second pause can frustrate me! Sometimes, It is not one of my favorite qualities, even though I don't like that others aren't fast paced like me. Sometimes I really like it because I get lots of things done and I am pretty proud of that. My husband can't stand that I constantly finish his sentences. He has been trying to get me to slow down and relax for years (12??). I can't even stand to watch a movie unless I am working on something too. 

Last year, one of my co-workers said something that made my brain stop for a minute. I have known her for about 3 years. She is always impressed and thankful toward me for what I do and what I accomplish. I was explaining to her that my brain basically doesn't stop, ever. She asked me if I ever relaxed. My response was a quick, "no." It even took me by surprise. That was the truth. I am high strung, fast paced, and I often add stress to myself and those around me. It isn't healthy. It was the first time I had actually taken a glance at how differently my brain works. I don't like downtime because my brain keeps going. I often wake in the night and have difficulty going back to sleep because my brain is going a mile a minute. I wake up early because my brain is ready to go, quickly! Since that day, I have thought of that conversation quite often. She cared enough to ask. It meant a lot. The truth is that I am a bit fearful of slowing down and having to give my thoughts the reins. My thoughts can spiral. They can make me feel like I totally out of control. I avoid downtime and it is unhealthy.

Back to what I am Learning:

I am trying deliberately to get rid of the rush in my life because the rush leads to stress, the stress impacts relationships, and ultimately everyone is more unhappy and feels less loved. Does it honor the Lord? ABSOLUTELY NOT!

So, is my prize list done? ABSOLUTELY NOT! Am I ok with that? Nope! However, I am making progress. I have been less stressed and have taken moments to do what is more important! I have a pretty hectic schedule in the next week. Normally, I would have been a disaster--and currently I am not! I have taken time out of almost every day this week to spend relaxing time with my husband. Normally, I count laundry as quality time! Eek, that is harder to say aloud. Ugh, I really am working on things. 

Ultimately, this journey has been a very real blessing to our family! We are spending more quality time, having more meaningful conversations about the challenges we face, and I am more relaxed! 

Trading yelling in!! Day #5

"No more yelling", I have realized is the wrong title for this entry. There is definitely a time for yelling and today, I yelled appropriately. It was necessary and it got the attention it needed. More on that, later.

Today was a great day! It was beautiful outside. We got naps for those that needed it, lots of exercise,  quality time with friends, and a simple but challenging sermon at church. It was a refreshing day and overall, I think I honored the Lord with my attitude! I am thankful to go into this week in a peaceful way!! I am praying that it will continue.

Back to the yelling. My 11 month old was heading into the bathroom and I was too far away to snatch him up. I yelled a quick, "NO!". I followed that up with asking him to come back to the living room. I think that my reduced yelling has helped to allow him to get the seriousness of my tone because he stopped without hesitation! Thankfully, I am able to see how God is helping me to make our home a more peaceful place!

I chose the idea of trading because I want a replacement. It cannot just disappear. I am not just yelling for the fun of it. I often believe that my yelling is in my children's best interest. It isn't. It is lazy. I have to still address all of the same issues. I need to come to terms with what God is revealing to me. I really have only been acknowledging half of the truth. The whole truth is far less comfortable. The whole truth is that while, yes, I am dealing with my kids on the issues they need to face, I am also being lazy and just trying to be the one who gets the last word in. 

What I would like the whole truth to be:

I am dealing with my children's issues in an intentional, loving, graceful manner. My real intentions are pointing my children in a direction that is honoring to the Lord.

No More Yelling Day #4

Overall, today was a pretty good day. There were a few temptations, but I can report that things are getting easier! 

I woke up this morning filled with regret. I hurt the person I love the most yesterday. I don't want him to feel hurt and I hate the feeling I have that goes along with my guilt. I began praying that my energy would be refocused on honoring the Lord through the way I treat others. I can honestly say that I felt much more calm to begin the day. I was praying that I would have a gentle spirit and find joy in the moments. 

Throughout the day, we had a few challenges with children not listening. One in particular totally frustrated me. I do not like to see someone intentionally frustrate another person. It happened today. One of my kids was teasing me, but took it past a line that was wrong and that child knew it. I didn't raise my voice! I didn't even talk down to him. I remained calm! I know it seems small, but I NEEDED this to stop and accomplished it in the proper way. I want my kids to know where the line is and I know it is tough to navigate healthy teasing. I usually would have justified my yelling on needing to make sure this was not done to a sibling or friend. However, God is continually showing me that my own behavior only escalates things.

On a more positive note, my hubby and I got to go on a date. My mother in law was in from out of town and offered to watch our crew. We only go out about once a year, so the timing after our rough day was a huge blessing!

God is working on me! I am thankful for it!

No More Yelling Day #3

So, day three has been a roller coaster. 

I felt pretty good about today because I was super flexible. I had lots of frustrating things happen, but I was able to roll with it! Short and sweet, that was my plan for my blog today. Nope...truth...ugly truth below.

I came home early, so my hubby could go to work for a tiny bit this week. (Reminder...he missed work all week, so I didn't have to--he is awesome.) we had a pretty good afternoon. I got my list done. (Have I mentioned my unhealthy obsession with lists? Ugh!) it is a good day when I get my list done! The exhausted children slept! I avoided yelling, even when I definitely got frustrated! What should I learn from this?? I can accomplish a peaceful afternoon if I set my own selfish attitudes aside! 

Positive day??? See the rest of the story.

Then, we were going on "guys night out" and "ladies and babies night out"! MISTAKE 1-I got frustrated at my husband for being later than he said...no, I didn't yell, but my tone was not kind. MISTAKE 2-I was rushing out the door so we could get our date in and my rushing tone helped nobody. I even rushed so much that I dropped my wallet in our driveway. I got a call when I was 10 minutes down the road and my husband graciously brought me my wallet. I caused the stress, unnecessary stress.

Later, my husband was discussing, with a guest, some stresses at my employment and the impact on our family. It is stressful to say the least-the things going on at work-and it is definitely discussion worthy. I really hate all that is going on and the impact that it will have on not only us, but our entire community. It is beyond emotional for me and I am definitely letting it impact our discussions. MISTAKE 3. I became short and argumentative with my husband, just a brief time, but it definitely was out of line. Nope, I didn't yell, but my tone was wrong. Apologies were given, but I need to show a change, not just say it.

Reflections:

1. I am super glad I am on this journey and that God is showing me things I can improve every day.

2. I have started to realize that this is much less of a yelling issue and much more of an attitude issue. 

3. I am definitely growing and it is DEFINITELY PAINFUL. It is, however, a healthy pain! 

No More Yelling Day #2

Wow, so I feared that today would be another rough one. Fortunately, for me...It has been alright. I am not exactly sure that my goal of being refined is being accomplished through an "easier" day however. Even though I was not tempted to yell often, I have been learning!

A few thoughts for today. Since things were less overtly challenging, I had some moments to reflect on how freeing the thought of quitting my yelling habit could be! I mean people think of quitting smoking or chewing tobacco to be freeing, so why can't I be free of my "dirty" habit? I certainly don't want to keep it around! Anyhow, I thought of how much more calm I feel since I am deliberately expecting to not yell when an "I want to yell" event occurs.

*** My one little slip up. ***

So, I thought I was doing well until about 7:30. Here is the scene: My 11 month old baby gagged on a burp and threw up on the carpet. My husband was in the middle of cleaning up another mess, so I grabbed the baby even though I had been putting the 5 year old to bed. (She is asking from her bed, "mommy when are you coming??"...enter desire to use my elevated volume--acceptable...with my not so patient tone--not acceptable. My 3 year old was told to sit with the 6 year old. Instead, he runs straight toward the puke!!! *enter yelling*. Here is the good news. I only yelled one word and stopped myself. I cleaned up the 11 month old and 3 year old while my husband cleaned up the floor. AND...we all survived. 

Did I need to yell? Probably not!! It was not a life threatening emergency. The three year old had a natural consequence of having to change out of some favorite socks. The 3 year old apologized for not listening without prompting (or getting upset). All in all, I think I am counting it as a win for us!

Tomorrow is Friday. I want to have all of my house in order so I can enjoy the weekend. I often get more frustrated than necessary on Fridays. Since I know this going in, I am asking God for the energy to do what is best. I am growing, slowly. I am learning, slowly. At least, for now, we are moving in the right direction!

No More Yelling Day #1

This blog is more for me than anyone else, but I do need to share that I really want to become a better person. Lots of people seem to "think" I am great, but the truth is that I really struggle with a ton of things. It is not that I don't want people to think I am wonderful because, let's face it, I am a people pleaser. The truth is, however, that I can be impatient, selfish, and I often lack the grace I am so incredibly thankful for when I receive it!

So, here is where I am now. I did not grow up participating in lent, but it has always piqued my interest.  In the last few years, I have been deliberate in trying to encourage those around me during the Lenten season. This year, I felt very compelled to continue that, but to more specifically work on avoiding yelling. I am good at yelling and it is NOT something I am proud of. We are a naturally loud family, so I am not talking about the volume of my voice...I am talking about the tone and nature in which I address my kids. I get frustrated, I want them to know it, so I yell. It is AWFUL. Not only is it awful, it is something that I believe is dishonoring to God. It is a way that I dishonor God weekly, if not daily. I need to work on it.

So here I am, DAY 1. And...WHAT A DAY IT WAS! I have a list to share, not to complain, but to remind myself that this is not an easy task and that I need to "put my money where my mouth is".  I need to look at the big picture!

1. I had several students who "shut down" in my classroom, for a variety of reasons and in a variety of ways, compromising not only their learning, but safety as well. Most revolved around not wanting to tell the truth. I needed them to tell the truth because, as I tell them regularly, honesty is the most important thing to me and it is what I most want from them! Authority....you know...I am in charge and they need to get it=desire to yell! So, it was exhausting, but we made it. Several heartfelt phone calls and emails later and I know exactly why God does not want me yelling. 

You would think I had learned my lesson. NOPE!

2. I arrive home to find that the laundry was not done in the way I had asked. A simple task...finish drying the laundry, so it doesn't smell musty. So, I have to re-wash.

(Nevermind the fact that there are 4 children (6 and under), 2 of which are fevered and the other 2 who are getting less than enough attention due to the others being sick. Oh, and the fact that my AWESOME husband already took the week off of work to care for the ill children, knowing that this is quite possibly the worst week for me to miss work=confirmation of just how selfish and petty I can be.)

Again, you would think I had learned my lesson. NOPE!

3. Our toilet was clogged and my husband offered to fix it, so I could eat with the kids. IT BEGAN TO OVERFLOW...DIRTY, CLOGGED, OVERFLOWING TOILET IN A SICK HOUSE...ENTER desire for YELLING. It resulted in a VERY CLEAN and sanitized bathroom. In the end, not worth yelling and stressing everyone out.

So, I learned, right? NOPE!

4. 3 year old's diaper is "checked", so he can go into the bathroom on his own. I hear, "Mommy, I really have a big dirty poop. Pwease help me!" Enter desire to yell at the "checker". The 3 year old is embarrassed, so yelling would have made it worse. I did make a few comments, which were unnecessary. He needed my help, he asked nicely and it WAS NOT a big deal. Why can I not see beyond myself?

Last learning session of day 1!

Bedtime. Sick kids=lots of naps, which often makes bedtime difficult. We made it, we survived, but I did want to yell a few times.

Reflections:

1. I did have a good day at school, with very few bad things and no awful things happening.

2. I came home to a house of children who wanted snuggles and "nuggles" and who are on their way to feeling better.

3. I have an amazing husband who serves his family SO WELL!

4. The toilet is working, we have a clean bathroom, and nothing was ruined!

5. My laundry is all caught up, for the most part. (As well as can be expected for a cloth diapering family of 6)

6. My kids ate a healthy dinner, we had wonderful family time, everyone is getting more healthy, we have our needs take care of...I have a TON to be thankful for and very little to complain about.

The big picture shows me I have no reason to resort to yelling. Yelling is for emergencies, of which ,we had none today.

I am working on becoming more gentle and finding joy.

Thank the Lord for GRACE!